you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
