im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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