alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
