I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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