whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
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You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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