So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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