hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
