he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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