we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
