new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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