Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
