Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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