yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
