Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
