I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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