I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
