Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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