we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
