I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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