Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E