I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him