We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
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It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
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I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?