Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.