What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
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there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
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am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left