Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
