Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
