Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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