Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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