Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
