Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
