Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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