Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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