I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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