my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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