Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
