Whod you bang
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
