Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
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woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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