thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
