I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
