where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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