Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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