I need to stop coming to work sober
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
