i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
