thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
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You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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