if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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