found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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