He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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