Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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