These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
