I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
