Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
