Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
