I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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