Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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