You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
