I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize