My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
