People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
