I didn't shave. On purpose
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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