Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
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Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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