He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
