My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
