I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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